“I love working. I hate being on standby. I was on standby. I had been on standby for a while…I, on the other hand was full [of Gollum] and wanted to let it out. I was wired to the max.” – Andy Serkis on being an actor on standby, “The Lord of the Rings: Gollum: How We Made Movie Magic”.
Now, I’m no Andy Serkis. For a start, I have better hair.
And I’m not working on anything remotely close to the magnitude of LOTR. But I am on standby.
Understand me – I’m not writing this blog to whinge about being on standby, or to blame anyone for my stood-by state. Just letting off a little standby steam, s’all. And hopefully, for anyone who reads this, you’ll understand a tiny wee bit more of my psyche. That’s really why I write about being an actor – to allow people to peep behind the Green Room door and maybe understand me a bit better for it. I am an acting addict – I live and breathe performing, and a lot of people don’t really “get” this massive part of my life.
So back to standby. Grr.
Through many and varied circumstances, I haven’t performed anything in any TetherEnd rehearsals for over a week now – nearly a fortnight. Now I’ve been working on the script a fair bit. Reading it. Studying it. Scribbling notes and tweaks all over it. And thinking about it a lot – particularly when the shop’s quiet, I’ll run scenes in my head to make use of my time and see how far I could get.
Also, with some ups-and-downs right now, I’m so thrilled to have the show to be working on. I’ve blogged about this before…but I just feel so much better when I’ve got a show lined up. I don’t need to be working on it or performing it, but I need to know it’s there!
“Well, I may never touch it while I’m there, Nat. But what you don’t understand, all of you, is I’ve got to know it’s there – that I can have it if I need it. I can’t be cut off completely. That’s the demon in it. That’s what drives you crazy.” – Don Bradley on alcohol, “TetherEnd”.
Kind of like that. ^^^^
And my head is full of Helen, and there’s only so much I can do on my own. And she’s back on standby until Tuesday night at least. GARGH!
And…well…I’m really worried about the show right now. ‘Cos the lead male, Martin, is a professional (and supremely talented), the other principals (Marty, Val and Bresler) are all doing drama classes at the Ramshorn theatre and are all really good. And I feel about two inches tall sometimes! It’s thrilling and exhilarating to work with them; I push higher, try harder and generally work better alongside such talented people. However, it’s also exhausting to work alongside so many people who are better than me! I don’t want to give a substandard performance and let the cast (or the show in general, or myself) down. I’m having a long dark night of the theatrical soul!
“Unless the theatre can ennoble you, make you a better person, you should flee from it.” – Konstantin Stanislavsky’s advice to actors.
I think that’s probably pretty true. And so many people – so many baffled teachers, so many misunderstanding and well-meaning friends, so many acting Muggle relations – have asked me why. Particularly when I come in from work, tired and in pain and not wanting to go out to rehearsals; when I come in from rehearsals (well after midnight right now) and I’m wholly drained; when they see me in my current cat-on-a-hot-tin-roof state when I can’t get the show and the character out of my head and they’re driving me mad; when they see the tears, the frustration, the anger – so many have asked why.
Simply, because not acting is just not an option.
I was interested by this Oscar Wilde quote: made me think. And sometimes, I concluded, it’s true.
“Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask and he will tell you the truth.” – Oscar Wilde
